Computers 101
by s-chan.the.insane
Summary: Light has asked L for a day off, and the detective agrees. But while he is gone, something happens to Light's laptop and L doesn't know what to do about it. Can the detective figure out how to fix it before the teen comes home?
1. Chapter 1

Hasn't anyone wondered what would happen if L actually couldn't figure something out? Well, this is one situation where the mind of the world's greatest detective is put to the test…

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from Deathnote.

**Chapter 1**

"Ryuuzaki, I'm bored. Can't we do something else besides this?"

"No, Light-kun."

"But this is so boring! I'd rather be...I don't know_...sleeping!"_

"Light-kun will control himself and keep his list of other things to do inside his little mind."

Inside the little hotel room that Light and L had rented, the two were both sitting on a brown leather couch with Light's thin laptop on top of one of Light's legs and one of L's. They were both looking at the small screen, doing Kira reports and looking up the latest information about the mass murderer on the most popular websites. It was early that morning, possibly around five, for L had decided to torture the teen and wake him up at an ungodly hour to do this. They had barely gotten any work done the other day, so they had to make up for it. So, with handcuffs included, they had gotten to work.

L, with his casual white T-shirt and worn out, baggy pants, was gracefully popping sugar cubes inside his mouth from the tea cup full of them on top of the wooden table a foot or more in front of him. He also had a few lollipop sticks poking out from inside his pants pocket. He was wide awake and was doing most of the typing at an insane speed. Light was yawning next to him, still wearing his purple teddy bear pajamas. He was barely paying any attention to the detective's work, but pretended to. He was more concerned about his hair.

Light grabbed at a random strand of his honey brown that was in front of his eye and pushed it to the side. Oh, how messy it was. He took a look at L's black hair and sighed. His was even worse.

"Ryuuzaki, do you do anything with your hair?" asked Light.

"Like put any of that artificially scented glob of chemicals into it?" asked L, still typing, not looking at Light at all. "No, I do not."

"That's disgusting!" shrieked Light, and grabbed the leather pillow that was next to him and hugged it.

The motion of his arm moving yanked the chain and screwed L up with his typing. He turned to the teen, putting his thumb up to his lower lip like he usually does.

"Why do you yell in fear, Light-kun? It's only hair. It's not like I do not bathe at all. I try to bathe at least twice a week."

Light smothered his face with the pillow and screamed into it. L turned away from his little breakdown and continued looking at the website he had just found.

"Light-kun, I do believe that I have found a website that will help us with the Kira investiga--Light-kun…what have you done with the light?"

The only thing that was lighting up the living room was the small laptop screen, which made L's face look even paler than it already was. Light's hand was attached to the short cord to the lamp right next to him on the coffee table, which he had yanked. The leather pillow was lying on his leg.

"I need some space from you." he said.

"I can't do that, Light-kun, and you know it. It was part of the agreement that I would have you chained with me at all times. Trust me, I wish that I could go against my word at times myself, but I am only doing this for the sake of justice. And then after this, I am going straight to psychiatric counseling."

"But I can't take it anymore!" yelled Light. He chucked the pillow at L's head and surprisingly missed it. "I can't handle this anymore! Your messy self has pushed me to my limits! I want these chains off me right now!"

"Don't be silly. Now please, turn the light back on. I can't work with only this screen's infernal, eye damaging light."

"Not until I hear that you'll let me have a day off. Starting as soon as you agree on it."

"And let the number one man in suspicion of being Kira out onto the streets to terrorize humanity once again? I think not, Light-kun."

"Watari can watch me! I'll stay with him all day long, I promise! I just need to be away from your nagging voice!"

L's wide eyes stared at Light while he popped two sugar cubes onto his tongue. This would mean that he wouldn't have to hear Light complain all day long about anything. Anything at all.

"You would be with Watari at all times?" said L. "And you wouldn't try to contact me to complain about something at all?"

"No, I wouldn't."

L picked up the laptop and put it aside him. He dug his hand into his pants pocket and pulled out a small, silver key. He grabbed the handcuffs and tried to shove the key into the keyhole, but the teen's shaking from his excitement always made him miss.

"Can Light-kun control his glee?" asked L. "His body movements are preventing me from unlocking the handcuffs."

Light obliged and his steadied his arm. The handcuff came off with a click. Light jumped onto his feet and squealed like a little cheerleader, making L cover his ears with his hands. He watched as the boy turned the light on and ran into the other room. L took out his cell phone from his pants and flipped it open, searching for the right number, and pressing the dial button. He held it up to his ear with his two fingers.

"Watari? Come to headquarters and pick up Light-kun as soon as you can. You will be watching him all day and unfortunately attending to his every girly wim and need. And please get your camera ready when you come. I have an odd suspicion that he will be running out of the building in his teddy bear pajamas."

* * *

Thirty minutes later, L was walking around the apartment, stretching out his limbs. The sun was barely leaking into the rooms, so he still had all the lights on. He left Light's laptop on the couch. It was still on the new Kira site that he had found before. He walked into the kitchen and opened up the fridge. Taking out a container of chocolate ice cream and a bowl of strawberries, he sat down with them an attempted to make himself what he would call "breakfast".

"No Light-kun," he muttered to himself, once he was done. He took his spoon and shoved the ice cream into his mouth. "I'm not used to the silence."

Suddenly, he heard beeping. He couldn't figure out where it was coming from, for he was too lazy to get up and look around. So he continued eating his little bowl of ice cream, dipping the strawberries in at times. But after an hour, he couldn't take it anymore. So L got up and walked around the place to find the beeping. He found out that it was coming from Light's computer.

L walked up to it and kneeled down in front of it. A little gray screen had appeared with a message on it and two little buttons that said "Continue" and "Abort".

" 'A virus has been detected,' " said L as he read it. " 'The virus has come from the webpage you are viewing. It is highly advised that you cancel the program before the virus has done damage to the computer. To do so, click Abort. If you wish to continue viewing the webpage, click Continue.' " L scratched his head. "Well, I don't want to abort it and lose all of the Kira information I just picked up. I'll just hit Continue then and work on the reports."

Gingerly, with his index finger, he placed it on the finger pad and moved the cursor to the "Continue" button. He clicked on it. The message had disappeared. L smiled and began to scroll down the page.

"And Watari said that I couldn't fix computers," he muttered to himself. "He may have always fixed them for me when they had problems, but I can take care of a little obstacle and not wreck it. I shall call Watari later on and let him know of my newly aquired skill."

L's smiled disappeared when the screen froze. The laptop started making a hissing noise and the screen's picture became distorted. The screen suddenly went black and the laptop did nothing but whiz for just a minute, before all the lights went out on it and nothing was heard at all.

L just sat there, in front of the laptop, with his thumb to his lower lip. He stared at the thing, as if it was just going to spring back to life.

"The laptop has failed me. I blame Light and his obsession over today's top brand technological items."

* * *

What do you guys think? I tried to do L's personality as best as I could. The idea for this story came to mind after listening to my Mom talk about this movie with a Russian guy in it. PLEASE don't ask.

Now, review, or Light might throw a leather pillow at your face!


	2. Chapter 2

I actually think I'm having fun writing this fanfic. And now that it's summer vacation, I should have time to write this and others. That is, if I don't get a job...wait, no money...which means no manga...oh well, that's why people scan that sweet stuff on the Internet.

**Chapter 2**

L's fascination of the dead laptop had no end. He was still sitting in front of it, like he was just a little while ago, poking its screen. He was leaving tiny finger prints all over it. Just another thing Light would get annoyed with when he got home.

"I wonder what could have possibly happened to it?" L said to himself. He stood up and decided to head back over to the kitchen to finish off his ice cream and strawberries. He sat down at the table, with his knees up to his chin, and started eating his strawberries again. "I wouldn't doubt that Kira killed it off because I was getting too close. My detecting skills must have increased."

L looked up at the tiny black TV that was sitting on a shelf near the ceiling. He picked up a strawberry and threw it at the TV, hitting a button. The TV flickered on and showed him one of the news channels, giving him a good look at a horrible traffic accident on some highway.

"Take that, Kira!" shouted L. "I do, in fact, have skill!"

He chuckled to himself and shoved a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth. The traffic accident scene was over, and the news station brought him back to two newscasters who were now talking about a baseball game that had taken place the other night. L was looking straight up at the ceiling with the spoon still in his mouth. He slowly pulled it out, placing it back into more ice cream.

"I guess I should fix Light-kun's computer before he gets home," he said. "Light-kun would become very cross with me if he found out what had happened. I just need to find a way." He pulled his spoon out of the bowl with new ice cream on it. "He would kill me." In shock, he dropped his utensil back into the bowl and stood up in excitement. "A perfect plan to see if he's Kira! If he kills me, than it must be true!"

"_With later news, one of the world's computer geniuses, Bill Gates, has yet again donated to another company for the advancement in its computer technology…_"

L's gaze turned to the TV to see one of the newscasters pull up a picture of Bill Gates himself. L walked over to one of the drawers and yanked it open, revealing the remote control. He turned the volume up and listened intently to the man on the screen.

"Bill Gates has donated at least five million dollars to Geek Squad for its honorable work in the past year," said the man. "When questioned, he said 'It was just a little bit of money I could give to them in my spare time.' But some people think it's just a scam to get them to work harder and increase their amount of spare workers for the others who have lost their sanity while working on the job, which leads us back to the theory of alien invasion…"

"So Bill's done it again," muttered L. "I told him donating large amounts of money like that would get him into trouble."

Suddenly, his mind began working ten times as fast as it usually does, which means there was a good chance smoke was coming out of his ears and he didn't even know it. He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and flipped it open. Going through his contact list as fast as he could, L found what he was looking for. He pressed the green button and held the phone at least a foot away from his ear. He lowered the volume on the TV.

Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…

That was all he heard for the next two minutes, but L hadn't hung up. He was determined to reach his pitifully small goal. Finally, he heard someone pick up and started talking before the other person said a word.

"Hello, Bill, it's L again, I need a fa--who is this?...His secretary? When did Bill acquire a secretary?...Well, this is his cell phone, I would think he wouldn't need anyone but himself to answer it…"

He leaned up against the counter. Noting that there were sugary cereal boxes just above his head, he opened up the cabinet as the woman on the other end babbled on about how honored she was to have the job of answering Bill Gates' cell phone.

The detective ripped open a new box of Cap'n Crunch and placed it on the counter, popping the little red balls into his mouth.

"Excuse me, ma'am, as interesting as it is to hear how much he's paying you to answer his personal phone, I would like to speak to Bill Gates…Rude? How am I being rude? I just would like to speak to him about something very important that only he could possibly figure out…You don't know where he is? Well, when you see him, tell him--why are you crying?…Because I won't talk to you? Ma'am, you're a secretary, people like myself don't exactly stay on the phone with people like you talking all day…"

L jumped into the air as the woman started screaming into his ear. It was now two feet away from his head. A dangerous new distance for L.

"Please, don't cry, I didn't mean to make you so upset…Yes, that's right, I'm trying to be nice because I don't like it when women start crying to me on the phone, it tends to become very annoying…What did you just say?…Call you Charlotte? Ma'am, I have no intention on calling you that…Wait, excuse me? A connection between us? No ma'am, you thought wrong, there is nothing between us. Now, please, just let me leave a message for Bill because that's who I intended on speaking to--"

"_I KNEW YOU WERE GAY!_"

A click was heard and the phone line went dead. L had turned into a statue through the small process of being screamed at by some random woman. His arm was in mid grab for more cereal and his eyes never blinked through the whole conversation with her. Very slowly, he closed his phone and placed it on the counter. A chill ran up his spine, sending him into shivers, ruffling his hair up even more.

"What a scary woman!" said L, as he finally got some cereal and put it into his mouth. "She was quite the unstable person, which makes me believe that it was that special time of the month for her. Never again will I speak to her."

L's cell phone began ringing. He stared at it with his wide eyes, afraid to pick it up. It could be _her_. So, instead, he listened to his very stylish ringtone.

"_It's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake, if the way is hazy! You gotta do the cooking by the book. You know you can't be lazy! Never use a messy recipe. The cake will end up crazy…_"

When the song was over, he settled down again. He picked up the bag of Cap'n Crunch and brought it over to the table. He stared at the foods that were in front of him. Ice cream. Strawberries. And cereal. L poured the cereal into the bowl of ice cream and plopped some strawberries along with it.

"The perfect breakfast." L said with a smile.

His phone began ringing again, but L paid no mind to it. He was too busy eating his personal breakfast. The phone kept on ringing and ringing, until its vibrations made it fall on to the floor. L heard this and turned around, whining a bit. He liked his phone. He took good care of it. But to make it fall on to the floor, with the chance of it being scratched...

"Who ever is calling had better have a good reason," he said, as he got up and walked over to his phone. "I find it very annoying for people to repeatedly call me."

"_We gotta have it made! You know that I love cake! Finally, it's time to make a cake!_"

He saw that the caller id was labeled 'Bill Gates' work phone' and quickly answered it.

"Hello, Bill?…You're not Bill Gates, you're the same woman from before! How did you get his work phone?…I know you're his secretary, but only for his cell phone. He's supposed to be off today…Oh, so he got some extra hours. But how did you get my number?…You saved it…Do you know what I must do now that you have gotten my number without my permission?…"

He waited a moment for dramatic silence and then continued.

"It's actually very simple. I will send a mass team of FBI agents down to Bill Gates' company, where you will most likely be forced into a car and driven to their headquarters, where I will then order them to erase your memory. You will be strapped down to a cold table and then the process will begin, starting with cutting off your tongue as a personal order from myself."

Once again, the phone line went dead. L smiled to himself as he shut his phone, walked back over to his seat, and finally started to eat his strawberry filled ice cream cereal.

* * *

Hey, did anyone figure out what's L's ringtone?

Cooking by the Book by Lazytown

I can actually see Misa singing that song, ya know, with her hair pink and wearing that puffy cooking outfit...anyway...

Review, or else L will send FBI agents to cut off your tongue too!


	3. Chapter 3

Woot! Yays, new chapter! I kinda like this chapter, so let's see what you guys think about it. Let me ask you something...what do you guys think about random Russian dudes and doggy hats?

**Chapter 3**

L scratched his head staring into the living room from the kitchen table.

"How can I fix that annoying piece of metal?" he asked himself. He stuck his thumb to his lip again. "If Bill Gates can not be communicated with, I will just have to deal with this problem on my own."

He got up from his seat and walked back into the living room. L sat himself on the ground, directly across the room from the laptop. He stared it down, gazing into its shiny screen. L moved his thumb every so often. Nothing came to mind. Even after looking at nothing but the problem he faced, the world's greatest detective could come up with nothing.

And then it hit him. Like one of Light's sticks of deodorant.

"It said that it had a virus!" exclaimed L. "And to take care of a virus, one must take medication! Of course!" He got to his feet in pride. "And the only place in this house to acquire such medical needs is anywhere that Light-kun ventures!"

The apartment's five phones suddenly started going off. L slowly walked over to the one that was on the wall next to the living room's flat screen TV and looked at the caller id. It said 'Bill Gates' phone'. L pulled out a lollipop from his pants, sticking it into his mouth.

"Something must be done about this woman first. She does not give up easily. But I'm just too caught up with this obstacle to contact the FBI right now…"

* * *

After disconnecting all the phones in the apartment--for this Charlotte woman was very persistent--L stood inside the pink, personalized bathroom that Light had claimed for himself. The shower curtains were blue with neon colored fish on it, swimming behind seaweed. The walls were decorated with starfish stickers. And if one couldn't figure out that this bathroom was Light's, the yellow rubber ducky dressed up as a sailor for bath time fun was a big hint. Note the word bath time. L, who was standing on a pink, fluffy carpet facing the mirror, looked at the bath tub. When _was _the last time he took one?

"Now is not the time to ponder about the last time I bathed myself," said L. He opened up the cabinet and started looking through the many bottles of medicine. "My, I had no idea that Light-kun had so many pills!" He took out five full bottles of Advil and placed them down by the sink, examining them. "Pill popping can cause one to experience a high level of hormones and delirium. If Light-kun took all of these, his testosterone level would be dangerously high and he would be stuck in a world of insanity. It would explain the way he acts all the time." He shook one of the bottles. "Eighty percent chance of Light-kun being Kira."

Finally, L found what he was looking for. He pulled out one of Light's bottles of cold medicine. Taking it into the living room, he sat down on the couch next to the laptop. He took the cap off of the bottle and poured all of it onto the keyboard. The pink liquid stained the buttons. L twisted the cap back on and placed it on the table. He watched the laptop carefully.

"It should be cured by now," said L. "Let's see if it will turn on."

He lightly poked the power button. Nothing happened, except his finger now being stuck to the button. He tried to pull if off, but he couldn't. The medicine made the entire computer sticky. He put his other hand on the keyboard and with some force, pulled his finger off the power button. But in doing so, he just realized that he was not free; now his hand was stuck.

"This laptop is quite the problem," growled L. He got down on his knees and looked at its screen, putting his thumb back up to his lip. "I detest you."

"_It's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake, if the way is hazy! You gotta do the cooking by the book. You know you can't be lazy_…"

With his free hand, L took his cell phone out from his pocket. Flipping it open with a grunt, he answered it.

"What can I do for you, Mello?...No, I can't really talk right now, I'm in a little predicament…So you're here in Japan. Good for you, you didn't get yourself lost…You're coming here? When can I expect you?...You're right outside my door…"

"Yeah, so get your ass over here and open it up!"

L closed his cell phone. "I can't do that right now, Mello."

"Fine then! I'll let myself in!"

The locked door burst open with a kick from a black, steel toed boot. And in came Mello, his shoulder length blonde hair resting on a black, leather jacket, unbuttoned, showing a red tang top. He also had tight, black jeans with red chains attached to them. He took off his jacket and tossed it on to the floor. L put a pillow over the laptop to try and cover it up.

"So, L, what kind of _predicament _are you in?" asked Mellow, as he walked over to the couch, his hands on his hips.

"I'd rather not say, so just stay right there!"

Mello froze with his leg up in the air. He smiled.

"Wow, L doesn't want me to go near him. Must be personal."

And just at that very moment, the pillow slid off the laptop. Mello leaned forward, balancing quite well on his one leg.

"Oh, it's a laptop," said Mello. "You looking up Kira information for me? You know that I'm really the only one to help you with this case. Near's too stupid, and Light's way below him on the IQ chart!"

"I was looking up Kira information, but then I ceased," said L. He scooted across the couch, bringing the laptop with him.

Mello put his leg down and walked over to L, who was glaring at him for disobeying an order. He glanced at the screen and laughed.

"Oh, you were just about to turn it on!" he said with a smile. "Here, let me do that for you, since I _am _your apprentice!"

He pressed the power button and saw that nothing happened. But when he tried to pull his finger off, he couldn't. He frowned and gritted his teeth, yanking.

"What the hell is going on here?!" yelled Mello. He glared at L, who was still glaring at him. "What's up with this thing, L?!"

"That's the very reason why I didn't get the door," replied L, who stopped glaring and looked at the keyboard. "It seems that the medicine caused the laptop to be sticky."

"Why did you pour medicine on the laptop?!"

"Because it came down with a virus and has been silent ever since. I thought giving it medicine would cure it."

"L, you're so stupid! We've got to get ourselves unstuck from this thing!"

Suddenly, Mello stood up, picking up half the laptop with him. He yanked on L's arm and brought him to his feet. He dragged the detective down the hall, into Light's bathroom. L stumbled in as Mello closed the door behind him. Mello spun around and walked over to the tub, turning the water on. Then, looking at L, he tugged at his arm.

"Take you clothes off!" yelled Mello.

L put his thumb to his mouth. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me!" said Mello, as he started undoing his pants. "We have to get into the bath so that the laptop won't be sticky anymore!"

L watched as Mello undressed himself completely. He had tossed his boots and socks on to the sink and had taken his pants and boxers off in no time flat. His shirt, however, was hanging on his arm. Now he was looking at L, tapping his foot.

"Well?" said Mello. "Are you going to do it or not?"

"This seems highly dangerous," said L. Mello groaned. "Don't you groan at me. You know I'm right. We could get electrocuted if we brought the computer into the water with us." And he pointed at his shirt. "And I'd rather not get my shirt wet, since there is no way to take our shirts off. It's not time for it to get washed yet."

Mello sighed, putting his hand up to his forehead. He shoved his hair back. Suddenly, he lunged at L, pinning him to the wall with his one hand. The laptop hit one of the starfish stickers with a loud 'thud'. He slid his hand down and started undoing L's pants.

"Do you want to be stuck to that thing for the rest of your life?"

"No, that would be rather uncomfortable."

"THEN TAKE THOSE CLOTHES OFF RIGHT NOW!

"May I ask what is going on in here?"

L and Mello turned to see that someone was standing in the doorway. A young boy, wearing a pair of blue jeans and a white sweatshirt with a yellow shield in the upper right part of his chest, was there holding a blue airplane and wearing a brown hat with floppy doggy ears coming out of it over his curly, white hair. It was Near.

"This is something I do not wish to see. Who ever knew that you two were like this. I somewhat regret not knocking."

* * *

So let's see. Mello's naked. He's trying to pull L's pants off. And this poor, innocent boy walks in in the middle of it all. What could possibly be going through his mind right now?

Review, or else you'll be stuck to your computer for the rest of your life!


	4. Chapter 4

You know what, I really have nothing to say right now. So I'm just going to babble on about nothing right here. La la la...hey, did you know that Mello's quite the ass? But he's pretty. So that makes him a pretty ass.

**Chapter 4**

Flick.

"You know I don't like you."

Flick.

"I've known that for quite some time now, Mello."

Flick.

"And where's your pjs, Near? Did the baby get them dirty?"

Flick.

"No. Nobody was able to escort me to this location, so I had to walk from the airport. And I didn't want to look ridiculous around people if I were to walk around wearing my pajamas. So I actually decided to wear the clothes that Watari had bought for me. I didn't want to attract attention to myself."

Flick.

"And that retarded hat of yours wasn't going to attract any attention?"

Flick.

"Do not insult the hat. And please stop flicking me in the head. I could bruise."

Flick.

A blue airplane, controlled by Near's hand, flew right into Mello's nose. Hard. Mello yelped in pain, rubbing his now red nose. Near, who was sitting on the floor right in front of him in the living room, placed the airplane on top of Mello's head. L was sucking on a cherry flavored lollipop right next to Mello. They were still stuck via stupid laptop and were now fully clothed.

"Crash landing on Mt. Mello." Near said quietly.

Mello roared and grabbed the airplane. "The hell do you think you're doing to me?!"

"Oh no. The giant has awaken." said Near, twirling his hair. "Everyone, remain calm and evacuate the plane as quickly as possible."

"I'm not going to play any of your dumb pretend games!" screamed Mello. He threw the plane into the air and let it soar until it hit the couch. "Get this laptop off of me and L! Or else I'll have to punch you in the face and make you look even uglier than you already are!"

Near sat quietly, still twirling his hair. Nothing was heard except for Mello's heavy breathing. His free hand was clenched into a fist and was ready to strike, but the feeling of being heavily stared down by someone stopped him. He turned to L, who was still busy away sucking on his treat, staring at him.

"Can I help you?" asked Mello.

L poked his still red nose. "Be quiet, Giant of Mt. Mello."

"I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! YOU'RE TAKING HIS SIDE?!"

"He's the one who offered to fix us. So be quiet or else he might not do anything at all."

"I've heard that if you spread butter on something, it will become easier to pull off," said Near.

Mello snorted. "That's _pull away_. Butter lubricates an area so that something that is clamped together can be _pulled away_. Butter's not going to do anything here!"

"Well, I'd rather not scrub at L's hand and your finger with water," said Near. He got up and grabbed his airplane, placing his behind on the couch. "Water could damage the laptop even more than it already is, and our prime objective here is to fix it."

"No, you idiot!" shouted Mello, getting to his feet. With the laptop in the air, L's arm was being pulled, but he didn't really care at this point. "Our prime objective is to get this thing off of us!"

"We can try the butter." said L.

He got up as well and dragged Mello back into the kitchen, moving towards the fridge. Near followed, leaving his plane in the living room. Opening the door, the blast of cool air hit his face, making him rub his eyes. All he could see was nothing but healthy food. It disgusted him. With his free hand, he began tossing out all of the food that seemed useless to him. Meat hit the ground with a splat, followed by cheese, bottles such as ketchup, and loaves of bread.

Near picked up a small mozzarella stick wrapped up inside plastic. Undoing it, he started to bite the cheese. Mello glared at him and bit into the air. He tried to move away from L and grab the cheese stick, but Near backed up and continued to eat away. The boy grunted until he saw it. A chocolate covered pretzel flew into the air and landed right in front of him. Drooling, he bent down and was about to pick up his own treat when L yanked him as he ventured further into the fridge. Mello stomped his foot in frustration.

When the entirety of the fridge was lying on the ground, L sighed.

"I have found no butter." he stated.

"Oh well, such a shame!" said Mello. He poked L's side. "Now can I please have my friggen chocolate pretzel?"

"Yes you may," said L, as Mello clapped his free hand on his hips and stuffed the pretzel into his mouth. "And please control your language."

"Ooh nuat mah vater!"

L closed the fridge. He saw that complete mess of the kitchen floor. If Light was here, he would have a heart attack. He scratched his head, watching dirt fall out of his hair.

"This is another problem." he said. He looked at Near. "Near, I have a mission for you."

Near, who had just finished his cheese, looked at him. "Yes?"

"Since I can not move from this kitchen, because if I did I would step on food and cause Light-kun to cry like a girl when he got home, I ask that you would be so kind as to go to the grocery store down the street and buy us some butter."

Near nodded. L stuffed his hand down his pocket and pulled out some money. Walking up to the mess, the boy leaned over and grabbed the money before Mello's greedy hands got a hold of it. Silently, he walked out of the kitchen and out the door.

"There he goes," said L, waving good-bye. "He is our only hope."

* * *

"Oooh, plastic cars…"

The small plastic package was poked. It swung back, and then was poked again. Near was at the front of the grocery store that L sent him too, playing with the plastic toys hanging on the rack. Or at least their boxes. Kneeling on the ground, he happened to notice an unseemly fat man wearing a blue t-shirt with sweat covered armpits walk passed him as he entered the store.

"Oh yes, the butter," said Near, quietly, in case the man heard him. "I have to get it before Mello goes into some sort of an uncontrollable rage."

Near stood up and began walking down the aisles, in search of butter. Finally, he found the freezer section and saw a whole shelf with butter. He got down on his knees, next to a shopping cart with a baby in its seat, and poked at the butter.

"Which one will help L and Mello more?" he wondered to himself out loud. "If I solve this problem with a mathematical equation, I will then be able to process which butter will be more effective."

The baby in the shopping cart laughed. Near looked at him. The baby, all dressed up in a little green overall with a white shirt and orange hair, was laughing at him. Near twirled his hair.

"I wonder what this baby finds amusing about me?" he asked. He stood up and looked straight at the baby. "Little sir, may I ask what is so funny?"

The baby laughed even harder and clapped his hands together. Near cocked his head to the side. His hat's dog ears hit his cheek. Suddenly, the baby leaned forward and grabbed the dog ears. He tugged on the hat until it came off of Near's head.

Near sighed and held out his hand. "Baby, give me back my hat."

The baby shook his head. He opened up his mouth and chomped down on it.

"You must be teething," noted Near. He put his hand on his hat. "Well, I can't allow you to relieve your little biting habits on my McFluffin' hat."

"McFluffin'!" shouted the baby, adding a little squeal. "McFluffin'!"

"Yes, that is my McFluffin' hat. Now please give it back before you ruin in."

Someone gently tapped on Near's shoulder. He turned around and saw a young woman with curly red hair, wearing a pink dress. She crossed her arms when she got Near's attention.

"Excuse me, young man, what are you doing to my son?" she asked him.

"Nothing at all," said Near. "I was just getting my hat back. He took it from me."

"And?" said the woman. "That doesn't mean you have to touch my son."

"Technically, I wasn't touching your son, I was touching the hat that your son has in his hands." replied the young detective. "All I want is my hat back before he damages it."

"You know what, you can have your hat back!" yelled the woman. She took the hat out of the baby's hands and gave it back to Near. It was covered in baby slobber. "I just can't believe that there are men as young as you doing this to babies!"

Near held up his finger. "I did nothing to the child, but I would highly advise if you wanted to avoid that, to not leave your child unattended."

The woman grabbed her heavy looking purse from inside the shopping cart and got close to Near. "What did you say?"

* * *

A little while later, back in the apartment, L and Mello were sitting down on the now clean kitchen floor, eating a bag full of Hershey's chocolate kisses. L perked his head up when he heard the door close. He then saw Near, wearing a wet looking doggy hat, a plastic bag in his hand, and a quite noticeable huge red mark on his cheek. Mello looked up too and laughed.

"Hey, lookie there!" he yelled. "Near got his ass kicked!"

"Yes, Near, please tell me, who in fact kicked your behind?" asked L.

Near walked up to him and handed the butter to him from the bag. "This strange woman thought that I was harassing her son when it was the other way around. She hit me with her purse."

"So she hit you?!" choked Mello, who was still laughing.

Near nodded. Mello began choking on his chocolate, but didn't seem to care. He held his sides and fell to the floor in laughter. Near whined. With his long arm, L patted Near on the head. The boy walked out of the room. Mello didn't notice him leave, but he sure noticed the blue airplane that crashed into his nose once again.

"I'M GOING TO RIP THAT PLANE IN HALF!"

Mello made a grab for Near, but he moved away. Near walked over to one of the drawers and opened it up, pulling out a knife. Mello snickered.

"You're just making everything way too easy, Near," he said. "If you really wanted me to kill you, you could have been taken care of a long time ago."

Near was silent. He handed the knife to L, who opened up the container of butter. He scooped out butter with the knife, spreading it all over the laptop, his hand, and Mello's finger.

Mello huffed. "You know, this isn't going to work. This is completely stupid. I still say my bath idea was so much better than this dumb--"

L pulled his hand off. Mello shut his mouth and stared at the event in amazement. He pulled at his finger and it came off too.

"How did this happen? This shouldn't have happened…"

As Mello crawled into a fetal position, L smiled at Near.

"Thank you."

Near smiled at L and opened up the freezer, pulling out a bag of frozen peas and pressing it on to his cheek.

* * *

To those of you who are wondering what in the world McFluffin' is, it actually is a name that I used to use in preschool or kindergarten. Me and my friends would play with our teacher's puppet house and there was a brown dog that we named McFluffin'. So just watch out for that McFluffin' in later chapters.

Now review, or else some random pyscho woman's gonna hit you in the face too!


	5. Chapter 5

Terribly sorry for the wait. I've been looking madly around for a job. I actually had one for a couple of days, you know, working at a bagel shop/deli. Wasn't working out. Let's just say that I wasn't cut out for the food industry. And people are just rude. -.- And so here we continue with our story.

**Chapter 5**

Mello, Near, and L sat at the kitchen table with nothing but a piece of lined paper and a pen in the center. All staring at the paper. Near twirled his hair, with his McFluffin' hat on his lap. Mello tapped his foot. L bit his thumb. Then, in almost slow motion, Near lifted his hand up gently and picked up the paper and pen. Mello's mouth dropped.

"No way!" he screamed. "I wanted to be the first one with an idea!"

"Now, now, Mello," said L. "Don't get jealous because he was first."

"But I had an idea!" replied Mello, getting to his feet. "I wanted to be the first one!"

"Mello acts very childish when it comes to things like this," said Near, as he wrote on the paper. "He doesn't like the fact that he always comes in second when competing with me."

Mello clenched his fist. "You're asking to get hit in the face."

"You may go ahead and grab your purse and give me a good whack just like that woman did."

"Children, please don't fight," said L, pulling at his lower lip. "We need everyone to cooperate to come up with ideas to fix this problem of ours. That is why we all decided to write our ideas down on paper and discuss."

"Well, L, I would love to right down my idea--" Mello bent down next to Near and put his nose on his cheek. "--but _someone _likes to write at the speed of a friggen snail!"

Just as quietly as he picked the paper up, Near put the paper down. Mello grabbed the pen out of the boy's hand. He quickly scribbled down something underneath the table and handed the paper and pen to L. When the detective was done, he put the paper back in the middle of the table with the pen on top. Everyone leaned in to see what was written:

1. Purchase a new laptop

2. Steal a laptop that looks the same as Light's

3. Find someone who can repair it

"All these ideas are plain common sense," muttered Mello. "We didn't even need to brain storm them, even someone as stupid as Light could think up ideas like these ones."

"But they are still ideas," said L. He pulled out a small Hershey's Kiss out from his pants pocket. He popped it into his mouth with Mello's greedy hand reaching out for it. "They were still worth writing down. All these ideas hold value to the situation. And now we won't forget our ideas." L looked right at Mello's face. "Mello."

Mello calmed himself down from his chocolate obsession. He sat down fully in his seat.

"Yes?"

"I do not approve of your idea of stealing."

Mello scrunched up his hair. "But you just said that all the ideas held value!"

"Near."

Near remained silent.

"You came up with a good idea, but I'm afraid that I do not show my face to the public, so I can not purchase a new laptop. Nor can I call up Watari to go and take care of it because then Light-kun will know what had happened."

"YOU JUST FUCKING SAID THAT NEAR HAD A GOOD IDEA AND NOT ME?! THAT'S NOT FAIR!"

L began picking hair off his pants. "With that being said, we will proceed with my idea first. And then with Near's, since I believe I can trust you with my money, so you can purchase a new one. Mello, I will not approve of your idea, so we will not even try your's out."

Mello stood up again. He kicked his chair, sending it into the wall. Near stared at the poor chair, knowing that its three legs would not be able to withstand any human weight on it. Its other leg had flown above L's head and into the sink. Mello pointed at L.

"So even _you _think that Near is better than me?" he asked.

"I did not say that," said L. "I said that Near's idea was a little more humane and that I did not accept your's." He turned his head to the sink. "And look what you did to the chair. Light-kun will surely be upset."

"Light-kun this, Light-kun that, is Light-kun all you think about?!" screamed Mello, stomping his feet.

He began stomping all about the room, throwing things on to the floor. Pots went flying, knives got stuck into the walls. Near retreated into the living room, where he sat on the couch, put his hat back on his head, and surrounded himself with pillows. Mello opened one of the drawers and picked up a silver spoon. He flung it at L, who skillfully ducked.

"AND YOU TRUST NEAR WITH YOUR MONEY?! WHAT ABOUT ME?! YOU CAN TRUST ME!"

"Mello, you're acting like a disturbed drunk." L said calmly, hiding himself under the table.

"Why do you trust Near more than me?!" shouted Mello, chucking another spoon at L's head. Again he dodged. "Why do you like Near more than me?!"

"I hold both you and Near in equal distance to my heart, but at the moment, you are acting like a three year old having a tantrum over a broken toy."

"_It's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake, if the way is hazy! You gotta do the cooking by the book. You know you can't be lazy_…"

Mello stopped throwing things when he heard the ringtone. L pulled his phone out of his pocket and sighed to see who it was.

"Well?" asked Mello, breathing heavily. "Why won't you answer it?"

"It's Charlotte."

Mello walked up to the table and bent over. Grabbing the phone, he flipped it opened and held it inches away from his lips.

"Charlotte, L can't talk right now because he's too busy with me."

He shut the phone. L shook his head.

"Do you realize what you made it sound like I was doing with you?" he asked.

Mellow grabbed L's shirt and pulled him closer. "Do you want me to please you, L?"

"I do not understand what you mean."

"I can fix the laptop, L. You don't need anyone else to fix it. You don't need Near. You just need me."

At that, Mello let go of L's shirt. L watched his legs proceed out of the kitchen and into the other room. He popped his head out from underneath the table. He saw Near barricaded by pillows and waved at him. Near waved back, twirling his hair wildly with his other hand. He put an extra pillow on top of his head and tried to cocoon himself.

Since he felt safe, L got out from under the table and sat back down. With his hands, he communicated with Near using sign language.

_Does Mello always act like this?_

_No, but something tells me you somehow pushed his big, red button._

"HERE WE GO!"

Mello came back into the kitchen holding Light's laptop. He put it down on the table and went back out. L continued to speak to Near.

_Where did Mello go to?_

_He went into the first room on the left in the hallway._

_That's Light-kun's work shop. He builds bird houses in there._

_Why would Mello want to go in there?_

_I'm not sure._

Mello stomped back into the kitchen, holding something behind his back. Near's eyes widened and he sunk into his pillow pile. He walked up to the laptop, smiling at L. L stuck his thumb up to his lip.

"Mello, what are you going to do?" he asked.

"I'm going to do your idea," chuckled Mello. He tried to contain himself, but it was hard. "I'm going to prove to you that I can be as great as Near."

He pulled out whatever was behind his back. It was a hammer. He lifted it up above his head and began laughing maniacally. The hammer came down with a smash on the laptop's keyboard.

"THIS IS HOW YOU FIX THINGS ON RUSSIAN SPACESHIP!" Mello shouted as he continued smashing the laptop with the hammer.

Little buttons with letters and numbers sprang out from the laptop. He took a swing at the screen, completely breaking it and dislocating it from its hinges. After that, he hit its mouse pad until he slowly came to a stop, and his laughing settled down. L had stuffed his entire hand into his mouth, looking at the thing that used to be a laptop.

The blonde saw what he did. And he laughed a bit more. He tossed the hammer, it hitting the fridge. Near came into the kitchen, holding a pillow over his head. After taking just one look at the metal all over the place, he picked up the list.

"Since this laptop can no longer be repaired, may I suggest that we go along with my idea?"

L slowly nodded his head. Mello, still breathing heavily, wiped the sweat that was trickling down from his forehead. He walked out of his room. The entire apartment was silent until Near and L heard the sound of a faucet being turned on. L took his hand out of his mouth.

"N-Near?" asked L, trying to keep a steady voice. "I w-would like it if you made sure that M-Mello didn't d-drown himself."

"Of course, L." said Near. Following his orders, he left the kitchen.

L looked at the bottom half of the laptop. All of its keys had been smashed off by Mello and were all laying on the floor. He got down and started picking up a couple of pieces. When he was satisfied with the amount that he had, he mixed them up to create a sentence on top of the area where the laptop's keyboard was supposed to be.

It read : I HATE YOU.

* * *

So, what Mello had said while he was busy acting like someone from Super Smash Brother's with his crazy hammer was actually from the 80's movie "Armageddon". I never saw the movie, but from what I heard, while a group of people were up on spaceship, the computer wasn't working. And there was this Russian scientist that kept on saying that he could fix it, but the Americans wouldn't let him near the computer. Finally, the Russian moved everyone away from the computer, pulled out this random hammer and started smashing the computer screaming "THIS IS HOW YOU FIX THINGS ON RUSSIAN SPACESHIP!" And miraculously the computer started working. But that is not the case here.

You know, I think in the next chapter I'm going to introduce yet another character...heh heh heh...


	6. Chapter 6

Sorry about not writing much for this story recently. I've been caught up with things. And plus, I didn't know what to write about either! I had a small idea, but didn't know what to do with it. Well, now I do!

**Chapter 6**

The trio of Wammy boys was sitting on the stairs to the apartment building that L and Light lived in. Near had on his McFluffin' hat and Mello had on his leather jacket. They were both sitting on the bottom step, the albino twirling his hair and Mello eating more chocolate he had found. And the great detective himself was sitting behind them, on the top step, with a hat that resembled a panda's head with its little ears sticking out of it. L's ingenious idea was to wear that very hat that Light usually wore when he was watching one of his soap operas to distract people from looking at his face. And his clever plan was working.

The sun beat down on them. It was about noon and the city was active with life. Cars were rushing passed them, some stopping completely just to have people sticking their heads out of the vehicles to shout at someone. People were walking up and down the sidewalk they were on. Near was looking up at the sun, still twirling away.

"It's been a long time since you've called him," he said, looking at Mello in the corner of his eye. "Are you sure that he is coming?"

"Of course he's coming, he always listens to me," muttered Mello.

"Sorry, I just couldn't help but notice that you too are growing impatient with your fingers tapping on your leg." said Near.

Mello looked down and saw that it was true. He pounded his knee and scooted away from the boy until he reached the other end of the stairs. Until he was about three feet away.

"You still have my money, correct, Near?" asked L, leaning towards him.

Near nodded. He pulled out his toy airplane from inside his sweatshirt and began playing with it. With his arm, he made it fly around L's head two times and then it flew high up into the air. L watched the plane. Mello, irritated by them, watched the street. Suddenly, he stood up and fixed his jacket as best as he could.

"He's here." he said.

A red car pulled up to the curb. Mello quickly ran towards the car and opened the passenger seat in the front. Near and L got up, walked to the car, and hopped in the back. The car was full of cartridges. The person who was driving the car was busy fixing his mirror so that he could adjust the orange tinted goggles around his eyes on his red hair. He had on black gloves, with one of them hanging out from the window with a lit cigarette. His shirt was covered with black and white stripes. His brown boots went almost up to his knees over his black jeans.

Mello whacked the person in the head. "Matt, you look fine!"

Matt, the boy driving, fixed his goggles once more since Mello hit them and gave him the thumbs up. "Just making sure, boss!"

"You don't have to make sure of anything, except that you get us to the closest store around. Now, get us out of here."

"You got it, babe."

"AND DON'T CALL ME BABE!"

Matt took his car out of park and made his way into the street. He popped the cigarette back into his mouth as he zoomed passed red lights and drove even faster with yellow ones. Near was still playing with his plane while L was clutching to his seatbelt for dear life. Mello finally finished his chocolate bar and tossed the tin foil out the window. He opened up the compartment right in front of him and started digging through all the video games until he found a new chocolate bar to munch on.

Matt looked through the rear view window at L and Near. "So Near, it's been a while."

"Yes, yes it has," replied Near.

"How are you?" asked Matt.

"Just fine."

Matt chuckled, taking in a small bit of smoke before he put it out in the ash tray underneath the radio, next to his black PSP.

"How's Roger and everyone else at Wammy's?"

The car nearly collided with a mini van trying to cross the street. They swerved out of its way, nearly crashing into yet another car, but missing it. L's head was leaning against the window, tearing.

"They're fine too."

"Always short and to the point, Near," said Matt, smiling. He looked at L. "So, L, I've heard loads about you. Hey, you don't look so well! You doing ok back there?"

"I feel like I'm about to be sick…" moaned L.

"Well, just open up that window and do your business outside," said Matt. "I don't want you puking all over this car, I just got it cleaned."

L did just that and stuck his head out the window, holding on to his hat. Matt made a quick turn down a street, making L fall back and hit Near. The toy airplane was knocked out of his hands and hit the back of Matt's seat.

"Wait, Mello, you didn't tell me where exactly we were going," said Matt. "What store are you looking for?"

"An electronics store, the closest one," said Mello.

The whole car actually came to a complete stop at a red light. So not like Matt. The insane gamer turned his head to look at Mello, pushing his goggles up on his head.

"Did you just say electronics store?" asked Matt.

Mello nodded his head, only to realize just then what he had done. Just as the light turned green, Matt sped off, his car hitting seventy in five seconds. The sudden acceleration made L and Near be pushed back into their seats. Mello's chocolate bar dropped into his lap as he grabbed on to the handle on his door.

"Matt, stop!"

"VIDEO GAMES!"

Cars were crashing into each other behind the speeding machine. Matt kept on turning and speeding up. He drove up on to a sidewalk, making people run. He drove off, hitting the side of a public mail box in the process. Envelopes flew into the air and hit the window shield of the car and everyone else around it. Mello leaned over Matt and turned the windshield wipers on since the driver only cared about their destination. His eyes were as wide as someone on ecstasy. Another quick turn on to another street caused Mello's arms to hit the steering wheel. And in some crazy twist of fate, his arms got stuck inside the holes in the steering wheel, all tangled up.

Every time Matt turned, Mello screamed. Near was huddled up in a little ball in the back seat and L was sticking his head out of the window, getting sick. Sirens suddenly started up and red lights flashed behind Matt's car. Mello, lying down in Matt's lap, banged his head on his stomach.

"Matt, pull over, you've got the cops on you!" he yelled.

"No way, man, I want my video games!" laughed Matt.

He drove on to the sidewalk once again and started chasing people. They all either ran into their homes or right out into the streets with other cars stopping so that most of them didn't get hit. Another police car turned the corner right in front of them and stopped. Matt hit his foot hard on the gas peddle, causing the car to reach ninety.

"MATT, NO!"

And before they knew it, they were up in the air, flying above the police car. They had hit a man hole that had just been pushed up, making them go up. The police car that had been chasing them hit the other car, making them both slide in the street. Matt's car landed, screeching on the ground. The rubber from their tires were flying passed Near's window with sparks everywhere else. There were a few loud bangs and the car came to a complete halt right in the middle of an intersection.

L, Near, and Mello were breathing extremely hard. Matt was pounding on the steering wheel, cursing his head off. A policeman came up to his car with a semi burnt uniform. He tapped on the window. Reluctantly, Matt rolled it down.

"What can I do for you, officer?" asked Matt, casually leaning his arm out the window.

"License and registration, please."

Matt nodded his head. He opened up the glove compartment and pulled out his wallet and papers. He handed them to the officer. The officer took one look at the license and then right back at Matt.

"You are nineteen years old and reside in England, sir?" asked the officer.

"That is correct."

"And your name is John Smith?"

"Yup."

The officer gave him back the registration forms. He tapped on the car. Matt leaned his head out.

"Sir, I don't think that that is your real name," said the officer. "Give me your real name."

Matt shook his head. He leaned even closer to the officer and whispered to him. "I am a high class ninja sent out here to Japan on a secret mission from the Queen herself. Right next to me, I have a dark knight named Sir Lancelot, and in the back I have a toy obsessed white mage named Peter and our pet Moogle, Stuart."

The officer stared at him.

Matt winked. "You know you can't go on missions without them white mages. You end up getting into a battle and you got no white mages, you better have some potions and phoenix down on you, ya know what I'm sayin'?"

The cop threw him his license back. The red head skillfully caught it and pulled his head back into the car. He stuffed the card into his pants pocket. The officer coughed.

"Sir, do you know…"

The officer's voice trailed off once he saw Mello on Matt's lap. The blonde growled at him, snapping the officer out of his fantasy.

"Sir, do you know what you have done?"

Matt looked at his steering wheel. He checked his windows. He looked in the back seat. Then he looked back at the officer.

"Not really, everything looks fine to me."

"Are you telling me that you are completely oblivious to the mess you have caused?" asked the officer.

"What are you talking about?" asked Matt.

The officer pointed behind the car. Matt stuck his head out once more and took a look outside. The street was completely torn apart with cars lying around everywhere, some of them set on fire. Babies were crying, along with their mothers, sitting on the sidewalks. Fire trucks were coming in, with firemen jumping off as quick as possible to open up the fire hydrants.

"You see what you've done?" asked the officer.

"You bet I did," said Matt, scratching his head. "I totally messed up my tires!" He settled himself back into his car. "I'm sorry, officer, but it looks like the dragon king Bahamut decided to have a go at your city right here. I recommend calling in the groups Umbrella and Organization XIII, they can clean this up and help you guys out here."

The officer sighed. Suddenly, he pulled the car door open and grabbed a hold of Matt's arm. He stumbled out of the car, Mello hitting the leather seat. The officer slammed Matt against his car hard and pulled out handcuffs from his belt.

"Ouch! Hey, hey, careful on the gloves!" yelled Matt. "My Mello bought those for me!"

"DON'T CALL ME YOURS!" screamed Mello from inside the car. "WE ARE NOT DATING!"

"Sir, I am placing you under arrest for damaging the city, unstable driving, and causing a public disturbance."

"Hey, hey, stop it!"

Near and L got out of the car as the officer dragged Matt away towards his own damaged car. The officer opened up the back seat to his police car and tried to push Matt in, but Matt kept on kicking him and throwing himself to the side. L, wiping the green off his mouth, made his way up to the officer. He tugged on his sleeve. The officer looked at him and yelped.

"Excuse me, officer, but he is the only person able to drive in my group," said L. "How may he be able to be released?"

The officer took out a tissue from his pocket and wiped away at L's mouth, then threw it on the ground.

"The only way he'd be able to be released is by payment," said the officer. "But since he's done so much, I highly doubt that you will have the money he needs. He'll just have to do his time."

L reached in to his own pocket and pulled out a load of cash. "Is this enough?"

The officer gasped. He nodded his head. And he actually let Matt kick him before the boy ran behind L and stayed there. The officer took the money from L and pulled out a key, unlocking the cuffs around Matt's wrists.

"Are you a millionaire or something?" asked the officer, looking right at L's face.

L shook his head. "No, more like billionaire. Now, if you require payment for the damage he has done to the city, I can write you a check tomorrow and send it in to whoever's in charge." He nodded to Matt's car. "Is it possible for someone to come here and fix his tires?"

The officer nodded and threw himself right into the front of his car to call someone up on his radio. Matt gave L a big hug, nearly causing him to lose balance on his feet.

"You are the best Moogle in the whole wide world, Stuart!"

And while the officer shouted into his radio, the detective began to wonder what in the world a Moogle was.

* * *

I hope this chapter makes people appreciate Moogles more. :O

Video game references: Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, and Resident Evil.

I love Matt. He's the best. Now review or else Matt's gonna drive down your street and run you over!


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